2018 – I’m aware I have been a little quiet on the blog front recently.  I can’t quite put my finger on the reason for this. I kinda hit a writer’s block, and felt a little heavy hearted for no particular reason.

I think we all get those periods in life when we need a little time out.  I’ve questioned my place on the social media front a lot these past few weeks.  Debating greatly if it’s healthy for me to share my every living moment in the public eye, I do share so very much 🙈.

On the whole this ‘sharing’ gives me a great deal of pleasure.  I love to please, and get a lot of joy in sharing my up’s and down’s and I’m so very honest 🙈.

2017 was such a big year for me.  January last year was a dark month.  I enjoyed our living room makeover, and although Bella’s was ticking by I knew something needed to change.  Financially we were struggling and without Steve’s extra weekend work we weren’t managing, the pressure really was all on him.

2018

I was creating new designs, some doing well others not so.  I was in the house a lot and had too much time to think.  I really am not good if I’m not super busy, I’m so much better under pressure.

Time for me equal’s worry.  I over think and often create an issue that isn’t really there 🙈.  I had some plans but I seriously had to dig deep to carry them out.

Back in 2004 I was busy running a Nursery. I felt important, I had responsibilities and flourished under them.  Fast forward 13 years and I was a very different person.  Four children later my confidence was at an all time low.

For months last year I couldn’t find the courage to complete my application for a supply agency.  I put the police clearance off as I simply was so nervous as to the very short interview involved.  It hit me that unless I could find the strength to do these things, nothing was going to change.  On the week’s when orders were low, it was very obvious I needed to some how find that courage and self belief that I could do this.

When I go to bed I ask Steve most nights “thing’s will be alright won’t they?”, often I think he doesn’t even listen 😂 and automatically replies with “yes babe”.

So the police clearance was sorted and I signed up to an agency.  It remained quiet on that front for a few months but I had another plan for my ‘Bella’s Art Club’ sessions.

I had a vision 😂😂.  I have a lot of these.  Ladies all having a laugh around a pretty table with candles and cake, and oh how that vision became a reality 🤗, anxiety and self-doubt never far behind.

After my 1st class I cried.  I went on a real downer, for no reason other than me panicking “was I enough” 🙈.  Again my amazing Mom and Husband were telling me how the ladies had enjoyed the session.  Unfortunately, until each one reported back I couldn’t relax.

I don’t claim to be anything special.  I am not an art teacher, but I am passionate about doing the very best I can.  I have a warm home and love to share.  Every art class has been rather wonderful, and ladies have gone away proud of their creations.  How could that not be anything other than a success? ❤

Home  business insurance sorted, house tidied, a big gulp and a massive amount of “you can do this” and it has worked beautifully.

September came, and my first opportunity of work in the real work world came 🙈.  To say I was nervous was an understatement.  I may appear confident but without  words of encouragement I’m a wreck.  I constantly question my abilities, I drove to my first school placement feeling sick.

In my early teenage years I spent so much time babysitting, being naturally drawn to caring for children.  Walking into the school on my first day, I realised that policies and procedures may have changed in those 13 years that I hadn’t directly worked with children (although I had raised 5, & ran a playgroup 😂).  My natural instinct to care and nurture a child remained as strong.  I took to it like a duck to water, loved the work environment and the break from the norm was a gift ❤~

Nearly 2 years I had my name down to do the breastfeeding buddy course, and like everything last year, it was offered to me and I took it.

September I started the course.  I soaked in the information given to me like a sponge.  If your passionate about anything in life you will learn it.  I went on a journey, week on week I re-lived my own experiences.  I was angry that I hadn’t been told all I was learning.  How things could have been so different with this information I was learning.  However, I do believe it’s made me more knowledgeable and I’m sure Mom’s will benefit from my failings.  It certainly made me proud of my efforts.  I pumped for months for all of my babies. Each journey was  a long hard slog, and the bonding rewards were minimal, but that was my journey, my story and another part of my not so perfect tale.

2017 gave me a lot, It wasn’t an easy year.  I excepted a need for daily medication, I need pain meds for life to live pain-free.  As well as finding out I’m now B12 deficient and requiring injections every 3 months forever, this was a hard pill to swallow.

So I got a job, did a course, expanded my business, helped my 5 children to grow and flourish.  I ran a home, kept my animals alive, was a good daughter, granddaughter, tried to be a good wife 😂.  I took my pills, felt lonely, overwhelmed, tired, emotional, proud, you name it I went through it.

2018, well the plan is to be 2 1/2 stone lighter for August.  I’m 10lb down and feel pretty confident I’m going to get there.  I’m going to be a size 14 bridesmaid 😂 the spare dress has my name on it 💪.  I have a little school job, art classes are growing, Bella’s is going into its 4th year.

Life is perfect?  Hell no!  I’m worried about my Mom and Dad.  Dad has been made redundant and both don’t have the best health 😢.  I have a Nana in her last years, an incontinent cat, a child about to do his GCSE’s, a child struggling with her hormones and a husband 🙈.  I’m missing the company of certain friends 😢 and often feeling alone surrounded by so many people.

Life isn’t perfect and for those who believe it is, you aren’t ‘keeping it real’.  So I raise a glass to all those people fighting there demons on a daily basis.  Be true and honest to yourself and give it a go.  Your belief in yourself is strong, ❤ sometimes just trusting you can do it, is enough.  ❤~

Happy New Year to all that follow and read my blog’s.  I’ve been amazed by the people who really are behind me, and on some hard day’s you would be amazed just how important your love and support on this little bit of my life really is. ❤~

2018

 

6 Replies to “2018 🥂”

  1. Hi Stella
    I love your FB posts, I don’t often comment but I feel similar emotions to you. I worked hard for my family, friends and others in need. Unfortunately, after deciding to give up work early due to ill health, I too feel alone, not lonely but alone. I have family who have continued their lives but left me behind. I cannot be the mother and grandmother I once was. I have to conserve energy. I have my own social contacts. A few good friends but a lot have just left me by the wayside.
    I admire your resilience, applaud your moves forward and continue to watch ‘your space’. I did exactly the same and it kept me positive and moving forward for a long time. Remember to take time out for yourself though, it is very important.
    Angie

  2. So sorry to hear you feel alone, please do message if your feeling sad my inbox is alway’s open, glad the blog brings you comfort, yes I don’t do well with the self care bit infact I’m getting worse 🙈 but I will try, take care Angela Xx

  3. You should be dead proud of yourself lady. I still do not know how you manage to do even half of what you do. Your craft classes are an absolute joy and I will be in attendance as long as you keep doing them.
    So strange to think we met (kind of) through fb selling pages although we sort of knew ‘of’ each other. Now, through our mutual love of all things crafty and you joining our choir and consider you a lovely friend, one I hope, you could rely on for a chat when things get tough 😊😘xx

  4. Oh Thankyou so much for the soul searching, time, emotion and energy that has gone into your words Stell. To know that life is a struggle for others despite what you see make me feel less troubled by my own insecurities, and that it’s not just me. Everyday life continues to challenge and this is retirement!
    I do so wish you continued success and improved health for you and your lovely family . You are all a credit to each other. Thankyou for your honesty.
    Love you lots and lots. XXXXXXX

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