Well it’s the start of a New Year 2020.  I have very much neglected my blog recently.  I was due to update my debit card for the monthly payment of my site over Christmas and I really debated renewing and updating my card details.  After some thought I decided that I would miss it too much to hit the delete button.  Perhaps this year I will find the time and the mental energy to invest in it.

The majority of my friends and family will know the reason behind the lack of posts.  I shared this in my last blog, which is now over 6 months ago.  The 6 months following continued to be just as painful and as heartbreaking.  The good news we all prayed for as a family sadly didn’t follow, and on the 3rd of October we lost our much loved, Mom/Mother-in-law/Grandma.  It was every bit as painful as I had thought it would be, but peaceful in it’s own right.  All of Mom’s ( I’ve called her Mom since we married 19 years ago) choices were taken out of her hands last January when the awful Cancer diagnosis was made.  Her final wish was to pass away at home, and as a family this wish was carried out.

I can’t say it was easy to watch.  It came with some pretty tough stages to witness.  However, it was what she wanted and with the love and support of the immediate family we all held each other up.  Also with the fantastic help from the palliative care team, who were a group of Angel’s.

Just over 3 months have passed since we lost Mom, and it is still very early days and raw.  I can honestly say and see that there is totally no right way to grieve, we are all so different.  Some cry and express their emotions, some keep busy and distracted.  Having 5 children I can see the difference processes, and as a Mom I hope I have been enough to keep them strong.  I honestly think telling the 5 of them was my toughest job to date.  I/we have been so proud of how they have been so grown up, and how respectful they been.  I just wish like all parents they didn’t have to experience the pain that loss brings, but as I tell them most days, her life goes on in them.

So New Year 2020 I’m glad to welcome.  A lovely Christmas break we all had, it was  real quality chilled out time.  Steve and I randomly watched every episode of Gavin & Stacey most days in bed with a cuppa, it was bliss.  The year I think had been so bad.  I had spent so much time in hospitals at appointments and by a bedside (totally not regretting any of it), that I hadn’t realised how draining it all was.  I’m a tough thing, or so I thought, but after 3 visits to the doctors before Christmas, each time being told take a break, take some time out, Xmas really allowed me to do this.  It came just at the right time.

When you have seen real sadness, you almost feel like you want to push on with new plans and new dreams.  This is how I’m feeling.  The weight of all the awful things I witnessed last year, the young lady in her 20’s a new Mom, who I know won’t be here now, have hit me hard.  I’m that sort of person who absorbs people’s tales, this can be very consuming, and I feel totally grateful for my life.

I’m not quite sure if being very nearly 40 ? has opened my eyes to what really matters.  Maybe it was losing my friend last January at such a young age, then Margaret.  Whatever it is, or however I got here, I’m at peace with so many situations.  I have a good life, a wonderful husband, and I have good things surrounding me.  I can’t be arsed or bothered to chase the dramas anymore.

I have no idea how long I will remain feeling as mentally strong as I do right now.  It may be days or weeks, or is this it?  Have I hit the ‘no more’ wall, the confidence I’ve craved for years, the belief in myself that I am enough seems to be growing, like my waistline granted. ??

But even with that I feel more in control, I’m eating healthier, well I’m on day 5.  It’s not ‘New Year, New Me’ crap, it’s your dress is too tight so lose a few pounds, and you know what? I will and I can.  Positivity is the route I’m taking this year.

I don’t want to be sad, over thinking constantly.  I’ve spent the past year with the light switched off, for good reasons, and I have no idea of what’s to come.  I know we have more family sadness around us.  We nearly lost  Nan just before Xmas, but thankfully  she’s pulled through again.  She’s like an EverReady Battery, but her health is weakening.  Also 2 of the children have pending hospital appointments both requiring medication or surgery, but one day at a time is now my moto.

If 2019 showed me anything, it was that the unexpected can happen, but how you respond to it is up to you.  So it’s best foot forward,

2020 I’m ready for you ?



2 Replies to “2020”

  1. Hi Stella, you are a very remarkable woman. Unfortunately,we are thrown quite alot at us… Some seem to have more crap than others. I think things are definitely sent to try us……
    You have a lovely family surrounding you. You do need to look after yourself aswell!! Take some time out just for you…..
    It’s good to talk about things &not bottle them up…..I have learnt the hard way,as I bottled so much up that I had a nervous breakdown couple of years ago…. Obviously,not many people know that. If ever you need anyone to talk,cry,shout at,please don’t hesitate to call me.
    Love Claire xx

    1. Ah bless I understand what that’s like, my Mom had a nervous breakdown some years ago, resulting in electric shock treatment, it was so hard to help her, so glad she like you came through it, I’m an open book and always will be, I always love to keep things real, for some days are hard, just at a stage in life after last year especially, that I feel at peace with who I am, and I want to not be surrounded with my self doubt any more, I think mental health is so very important and getting it balanced sure is a tricky thing, send my love matey Xx

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