Today like so many recently has been a tough one. The night-time waking with this ‘ankloysing spondyloarthritis’, is wearing.
I woke with heavy tired legs, and pain in my hips which I can only describe as a crushing sensation. Then the tiredness that comes with the pain just finishes you off.
I have all 5 children home with me on Wednesday’s and Thursday’s and every afternoon over the 6 weeks, many faced alone. Alfie still goes to Nursery 3 mornings so I can do my Bella’s work and try to earn a few pennies. But my long days with 5 and all the jobs that go with running a busy house are exhausting. It was raining first thing, and along with the failing body my mind didn’t seem to be in the best place.
With my mood low, and heart heavy, I sat looking out into the garden. The rain slowly dripping down the windows, the beautiful rainbows of colours inside them, I sat there watching them, froze like a statue.
I could hear the noise of Harry and Charlie arguing over whose turn it was on x-box. Alfie hunting me down for food, Jack just back in after his paper round dripping wet, his clothes along with another wash load needed putting on. Then there is the kitchen to sort, the cat to give medicine, an extra little person coming round to play.
I had to think really hard at this point to how I was going to react and move on with the day. I wanted to shut the bedroom door and sob. To wrap a quilt around me so I couldn’t hear anything, and make it all go away, the noise, the pain, the tiredness, the jobs. I’m sure if we are honest we all feel like this at times, and how hard is it to turn things around? To turn the negative into a positive, to make the choice to have a good day, or let it slip into a negative spiral.
Every day we do have the choice on how we can turn the day around and make it a positive and constructive one. I’m not saying this is an easy choice, and I’m not saying every day this is possible. However, when we do choose to fight it, to work through it, to rise above it, we are stronger and slowly we gain the control back again.
I have carried a list as long as my arm around all week. A list of things I need to buy, to do, lots of them needed for when all 5 are at school in just over 2 weeks. Most weeks that to do list would have been tackled head on, but it’s Thursday today and I’ve not been able to whizz through it like usual.
It’s remained untouched, pretty much like the hall stairs and landing decorating, we all hit the overload button more often than we would like, and we go into shutdown, think that’s where I’ve been this week,
But it’s ok to admit defeat, to hold your arms up and say “I’m a little stuck, help”.
I didn’t wrap myself in the quilt. The main reason being I would have had to re-make my bed as well as all the other jobs ?, forget that. I chose to tackle life.
No, I didn’t get up like superwoman, I just started retraining the brain into “we can do this”, instead of “I can’t do this”. Then I broke the jobs down slowly, and did the most important ones, and I went out. For me fresh air is so powerful. I knew today I couldn’t handle all the kids at the park and the older 4 are at the age that they can choose to come and perhaps fortunately for me, time with just 2 of my darlings was enough.
I had taken the pressure off myself, something again we all do to often, the other 3 children had plans, and were just fine.
The pain didn’t really go today, but seemed more manageable with a positive attitude. It’s crazy how me choosing to deal with things calmly, and look at life a little kinder, made all that difference.
So when you/I are faced with the ‘choices’ of the day ahead, we can’t just ignore what that entails. We have to recognise that we can’t always have the patience of a saint, or the healing power to make our aches and pains disappear. But just how we deal with it all is perhaps the key to our own success. ?~