Alfie Steve Weston, the strongest 4-year-old I know, and have ever known, he really is a force to be reckoned with, but then science did say he shouldn’t be here, he is our 5th and final little miracle ~
When the older 4 were at school, and life was in some sort of routine, I started having dreams of another baby, I had no idea these thoughts would turn into an obsession, and nearly destroy our marriage, very early on Steve made his thoughts on baby 5 clear,
“we couldn’t afford another child”, I would give him the same reply on a daily basis, we already have 4 we wouldn’t notice another child, money would stretch and we would manage,
I tried putting the idea of another baby to the back of my mind, I wrote all my feelings in a diary trying to hide them away, but these feelings really were overwhelming it does sounds totally crazy I know, I had 4 children, why was I so desperate for another, I will tell you why, the 4 I had I loved so very much, but it had all been so hard, Jack cried and was the unhappiest baby, and then I had 3 in one go and they were such hard work, 21 feeds a day ? I longed for solitary time with a single baby,
It sounds so selfish and it probably was, but I was so sad, the need for another baby was overwhelming, after a year or so of feeling this way and me badgering Steve ?he gave in, my idea on “let’s just see what will happen”, was given a very reluctant ok, I knew in my heart of heart this was never going to happen, but it was a glimmer of a chance and I took it with both hands,
My Mirena coil was taken out, and very quickly on things went wrong, my cycles would last weeks, or not happen, and I was back on the crazy testing train, I joined an online fertility site, made loads of life long friends, and literally learned everything about the pre signs of ovulation, became an expert in bodily functions ? I took my body temp every day, brought 100’s of ovulation tests, a year plodded on like this, a few surprise pregnancies around me were killing me, all I could focus on was this baby,
when you have 4 children all conceived with the help of medication you realise that the au-natural method just isn’t going to happen, there was no way I could take clomid again un monitored, although on my darkest days I nearly did purchase some from the Internet, I’m so glad I talked myself out of that one, I brought up the subject of going to the fertility clinic we first visited with Jack, this went down like a lead balloon,
we’ve never really had spare money, we do ok, but we have very little in the way of savings, at that particular time in our life we had a few hundred saved for wardrobe doors, I called the hospital and explained our situation, she suggested an initial consultation costing a £100, we argued over this next step for months, it wasn’t comfortable for either of us, I knew it was wrong, Steve knew we couldn’t afford the possible costs ahead,but he knew I was broken, I was so sad and I do believe he knew the importance of having this baby to complete me,
an initial appointment was booked, I dragged him through the dreaded tests again ? The same results were given my PCOS was worse he was super sperm Steve ??? and the only way we would get pregnant would be through ovulation induction, Clomid was prescribed only this time with mid month scans to monitor how many follicles were growing, ?
I was sooo excited, and so scared I hadn’t dared tell Mom and Dad as I knew their reaction would be as positive as Steve’s, but before I started the treatment I needed to tell them, and yes it was received with the why?, how?, responses I had feared, but again when I explained just how sad I really was Mom knew I hadn’t just made a rash decision, and for the 100th time in my life they were right by us to support us on another journey,
the first month of pills had no effect not one follicle grew, the 2nd month I had 2 follicles that were ripe and ready but we had no intentions of having twins this time around, so the 2nd month we had to stay away from each other, this was very hard as not always both follicles turn into eggs, and you just never knew but we were sensible and missed that month, on the 3rd and final clomid month, we had what is called a chemical pregnancy in other words a little bit of torture,
I was still doing my crazy pregnancy testing I would buy the multi packs from eBay of about 30 tests for £3 I was addicted I tested all the time, and that month a weak positive gave me that glimmer of hope, for around 2 days the lines darkened then they were gone, and along with it went my hope,
the bills from the clinic were mounting up, the wardrobe money was spent, I sold some old jewellery ☹️ And Steve was working weekends, the stress and guilt of it was awful, the consultant suggested one month of injections into my tummy to induce ovulation, then a trigger injection mid month to release the egg, I held on to her words and just knew this would work, I had 4 children I was fertile, the injections were given to me to administer at home, good job my best mate was a nurse, every day, (22 days) I went round to Emma’s, 9.30pm every night, and she would give me the jab directly into my tummy chub,
the scans showed one egg growing just as it should, 1 beautiful perfect egg, on day 22the consultant gave me the release injection, and told me to get jiggy with Steve at as near to 12pm it was all very odd, November the 5th, at 12 am it all began, the blood tests showed I had ovulated and the release injection had worked, the rest was up to nature,
we waited the 2 weeks, well that’s a little lie think I waited 10 days ? then the testing started, the pregnancy line was there very faint but was visible, and as each day passed it got darker, and darker, the digital one confirmed a positive, we had done it, we were pregnant,
the relief was unbelievable, no more money we needed to find, no more longing for this much wanted baby, only the joy was short-lived, I brought those clever tests that said pregnant 1-2 weeks, then the week after it told me 2-3, then the week after 2-3 again, it never did say the final 3 plus, and I knew I just knew something wasn’t right,
the consultant had me booked in for an early scan at just under 9 weeks, Mom came with me and she was upbeat, “it was just the tests she said”, I had trouble getting pregnant but I didn’t have any trouble carrying my babies, it would all be ok, the scan once again was internal, only this time, there was a sac, and the shape of a tiny baby but there was no heartbeat, and there was to be no baby,
my miscarriage was fairly immediate, and all came away naturally, the pain emotionally was numbing, but the hardest thing to deal with was this really was the end, “walk away from this Mrs Weston, and enjoy your family”, I knew she was right, but her words stabbed like a knife, I had lost my last chance of having a baby, I had lost a baby, Christmas 2011 was an emotional one, James Morrison, “I won’t let you go” I played all the time, tears rolling down my face, I was lost and so empty,
January I had a my 1st period after my loss, I had read the month after a miscarriage you were fertile, so the charts, the sticks were back out, but on the quiet, mid month things looked good, I didn’t dare hope but I didn’t dare give up, Valentine’s Day, I tested I was only bloody pregnant, on my own, I was pregnant no meds, no help, that night we went out for a meal Me, Steve, Mom and Dad, (I know a little odd ?) but they are the best company, we finished our meal and I slipped the test on the table, Mom cried, Steve said very little as per ??? and Dad just said, “let’s see what happens love”,
I had a wonderful pregnancy, my BP was just perfect, I had some heart palpitations and heartburn, but I was so happy, I did buy a heart monitor and drove myself a little nuts checking that early on, but crazily at around 14 I could feel this little tiger, every scan showed he was going to be a big one, and every scan confirmed it was going to be a boy, Lily wasn’t best pleased with this and I was convinced this baby would be a girl, but he was definitely all boy,
the dream was coming true, I so enjoyed planning for his arrival, after the kids initial horror at the news “will we have less Christmas presents” “I don’t want to share a bedroom”,they had come round to the idea, I was booked in for a planned c-section at just under 38 weeks, a planned c-section with one baby was very different to my last 2 ops, the children were organised I was organised, Alfie was a Friday baby, born at a lovely time of 10.45 a.m, the wonderful consultant I had seen throughout my pregnancy delivered him, a whopping 8lb 13oz the exact same weight as his Momma, and at 2 weeks early he was never going to be small ?
All 4 of our other babies were 5lb something, their early days were tough, he was just so chunky and so easy to hold, so easy to feed, and burp he really was a dream, I have never felt so complete as that day, I lay there just holding him in a state of pure joy, it was like a massive weight had been lifted from me, the darkness was gone, and Alfie Steve Weston was born, I really do believe he is only here because of his pure strength, that egg was a fighter and I’m so glad he came and took all the sadness away from his Momma, our baby journey was now over, but the journey of life with 7 was just beginning …
5 years in we still have no wardrobe doors ???
he was worth it ?