I’ve stopped and started this blog time and time over these past months. Tonight though, I’ve locked myself away with a promise to myself to complete it. To say it’s been 6 months of hell is an understatement.
Last year had some real low points, with some sad and lonely days. 2019 was to be that fresh start, onwards and upwards. Sadly so far it has not been this way.
Just after Christmas I had the shock of my life when a very close friend suddenly passed away. I’ve never cried so much, the pain in my heart, I could and still can actually feel. She was taken in the prime of her life, she was always there, and has always been there for 20 plus years. We were online buddy’s. We shared the same passion for up-cycling, she created beautiful pieces of furniture and I brought them. Her house was as nuts as mine and we simply got each other. She commented daily on my photos and was genuinely someone I thought would always be around.
I sit here now and stare at 2 pieces, no 3 pieces of furniture she created and up-cylced for me. Dealing with her loss has hit me hard. I miss her energy and passion for life, she was happy with her lot, never asking for things of grandeur, just enjoying the simple pleasures we all often take for granted. We enjoyed simply chatting about room makeovers and how our kids drive us nuts. I miss it so much.
Just days after her passing shock number 2 hit us. Steve’s Mom was diagnosed with cancer. Like a punch in the chest it was there, in its full and ugliest form. Cancer of the Oesophagus. Overnight it seemed she was off food and being tube fed. Then the grueling plan of treatment was put in front of her, and us as a family knew the year ahead was going to be a fight for life.
Next was a spate of bullying. My beautiful, confident daughter was bullied. At one point we couldn’t stop it or do anything to help her, because you are told “you will make things worse”. So we had to hold back, fortunately the school got involved, and between us all it stopped. Then we had a relationship break up, but to be respectful I’m not going to run into details. However, that stung, and I can only describe the pain like losing someone, although that person didn’t die, it felt like they did. To see your child so crushed was yet another grueling few weeks. It felt like a big black cloud was drifting over us all.
Margaret’s treatment was as bad as we had all expected and so hard to witnesss. It was exhausting her daily and draining the life out of her. Inbetween it all we had a broken thumb for Harry, my Nan’s tear in her heart got worse and she was given hours to live, and another £1.5k vets stay for Olly the cat. Daily emotional exhaustion has really took it’s toll.
Nan was admitted to hospital, then when she came out Margaret went in. Nan is now in a care home and Margaret is home with full home care support. Everything normal in life has disappeared. Hospital visits with one test or visit have become the new normal. My craft page has dropped down the priority list and for now the Breastfeeding volunteering has had to stop.
It’s crazy really but when you are dealing with such important stuff you realise even more so just how unimportant most things are. As long as someone has been able to collect Alfie from school and I can be home to cook tea, the rest of the day I haven’t really had a thought for.
I started a kitchen makeover at Easter and I’ve plodded along with it as a distraction. My heart hasn’t been in it, but my heart hasn’t been into a lot of things lately.
Cancer is ugly and scary. Since I was a child I’ve always had a unhealthy addiction to the C word. I’ve read 100’s of magazine cancer stories and watched any TV related programs. I have been so scared about it that I have almost convinced myself I would get it. I’ve had to dig down to my pit to be able to go 2/3 times a week into the cancer centre and chat with real people living with the disease. They are the tough ones, they are the real heros. How could I be scared, how could I be frightened? I had no rights to feel like this, so I’ve got on with it and got tougher. In a way its been an eye opener to see these amazing people living with Cancer.
There are people going in for treatment on their lunch break then going back to work. Not everyone is so spritely, but it’s amazing how life doesn’t just stop when you have cancer. That is something I’ve come out with and that has helped me get over my fear in a big way.
I think we’ve all cried. Steve’s cried, Steve’s got angry, he has also been cross that he hasn’t been able to do more of the running around, taking his Mom to more appointments etc. But he runs a Business he has a lot of staff working for him, his responsibilities are great.
We work as a team and its been a testing time for us as a couple. Amazing really, under all this stress we haven’t had the energy for a row. I would do anything for him and his family so that’s what we’ve done. It’s been like a little family army working around them. I hope that I would have that army around me should I ever need it in years to come. Margaret must be so proud of her boys and her Jon (my Father-in-law). He has been amazing, he has taken on the full-time role as a carer. 52 years of marriage, they have struggled so much to be apart, I had no idea how tight they were. Spending as much time with them as I have done of late, certainly has opened my eyes, they truly are inspirational as a couple, true love ❣.
So it’s breather time. Nan is stable, not well, and with a prognosis of heart failure she won’t be with us as long, as we all so desperately want her to be. Margaret is in the Cancer ‘3 month go home and recover period’. We all daily pray that the 25 day’s of radiotherapy and 3 chemo rounds have been enough, but only time will tell on that one.
So 2019 has got off to, let’s say a dodgy start. Things can only get better, right?
Thanks again to the friends and family who have sent that message to simply check in on us. It’s certainly opened my eyes to those who say they are there for you.
What will the next 6 month’s bring? I have no idea on that one, but I do know our tight little circle will be there to hold it all up ~